31 years · 0 forms approved · still employed
Gerald has worked in government compliance for 31 years. He has never approved a single form — not because he's strict, but because he genuinely doesn't understand what any of them are for. He keeps issuing memos about his own memos. The department runs fine without him. Nobody has told him.
Gerald joined the Department of Compliance in 1993 as a Junior Forms Reviewer, Grade II. His supervisor at the time described him as "present."
Over the next three decades, 847,000 forms passed across his desk. Gerald reviewed each one carefully, made a small note in the margin, and placed it back in the inbox.
The notes say things like "see prior memo," "requires clarification (see GC-2011-04)," and "is this the right form?" Nobody knows what the right form is. Gerald included.
He was promoted twice. Nobody knows why. Gerald sent a memo thanking the committee for their consideration of his memo regarding the promotion.
847,412 forms reviewed over 31 years. Each one returned to sender with a note that says "see prior memo."
DeniedZero. Gerald considers this a sign of thoroughness. He is very proud. He has issued a memo about it.
Denied2,341 memos. 1,897 were about previous memos. 14 were about the memo system itself. Three were about those 14.
PendingExcellent. The department functions entirely around Gerald. He believes he is the reason for this. He is not.
NotedI have reviewed your request to review my review of the previous request. I will issue a memo.— Gerald, Head of Compliance Review · Memo #2,341 · Re: Memo #2,340 · Re: Memo #2,339
All events have been submitted for Gerald's review. Gerald has issued a memo requesting clarification on the nature of calendars before he can confirm attendance.
Gerald's supervisor has scheduled the annual review for the third time this year. The review form is in Gerald's inbox. The form about the review is also in Gerald's inbox.
Pending · Year 3The department has scheduled a mandatory inbox clearing session. Gerald has requested clarification on what "clearing" means. He has submitted this request via memo. The memo is in his inbox.
Cancelled · Ref: Memo GC-441The proposal for the $GERALD compliance token was submitted for review in January. Gerald has requested additional forms before he can review the proposal. The forms have been submitted to Gerald for review.
Under Review · Est. 31 YearsHR has scheduled a retirement celebration. Gerald has not reviewed his retirement form. The party invite has been placed in Gerald's inbox. Gerald has issued a memo about the invite.
Denied · Form Not ApprovedEvery morning Gerald issues a follow-up memo on the previous day's memo. This has been happening continuously since February 14, 1994. There is no end date.
Recurring · No End DateLeadership has requested a meeting about department efficiency. Gerald has agreed to attend once the meeting agenda form has been processed. Gerald is processing the form.
Awaiting Form GC-77As measured by the Department of Compliance Oversight Committee. Gerald has not been informed of these metrics. He would need to review a form before acknowledging them.
Gerald proposes a second inbox for forms awaiting the first inbox. The proposal was placed in the inbox. No further action taken.
Gerald follows up on his 1994 memo. He notes there has been no response. He finds this concerning. He is right to be concerned.
Gerald requests official clarification on the definition of a form before he can process any forms. Still awaiting response.
PendingGerald proposes a new system for tracking memos about memos. The proposal is a memo. It references itself in section 4.
Gerald objects to the digital forms system on the grounds that it has no physical inbox. He has a point. Nobody tells him.
DeniedGerald is not retiring. He has not reviewed the retirement form. It is in his inbox. It has been there for three years.
Gerald reviews his own performance review form. He returns it to himself with a note: "requires clarification." He is satisfied.
PendingGerald has reviewed the $GERALD token proposal. It has been returned to sender pending clarification of section 3(b).
DeniedGerald submits a memo on his first day asking which forms he should review. It is placed in his inbox. He reviews it. He sends a follow-up memo.
Nobody knows why Gerald was promoted. His workload does not change. His output does not change. His inbox does not change. The memo count increases.
The department processes a record 82,000 forms in one quarter. Gerald's contribution: one memo asking if the backlog situation had been intentional or accidental.
Approved immediately. It is the only thing Gerald has ever had approved. He does not notice the irony. No one points it out.
Gerald nominates himself via memo. The nomination form is sent to Gerald for compliance review. It is still in his inbox. Status: pending.
Gerald is now responsible for the entire department. He issues a memo about his new responsibilities. He has not read what they are.
Gerald is unaware. He is reviewing a memo about whether he should be made aware. It requires clarification. He will issue a follow-up.